Resolving Differences – Evansville Bible Church

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Philippians 4:2-3, I urge Euodia and I urge Syntyche to live in harmony in the Lord. 3 Indeed, true companion, I ask you also to help these women who have shared my struggle in the cause of the gospel, together with Clement also and the rest of my fellow workers, whose names are in the book of life.

Last weekend a huge brawl broke out in the port at Galveston, Texas. After enjoying a nice cruise on a Carnival Cruise line, some of the passengers decided to kick, punch, and shove each other. It was all, of course, caught on video. The cruise line put 24 of the culprits on the “Do not sail” list. An ambassador for the cruise line said they “would never ever be allowed to cruise with us again.” Riots and conflicts like this are escalating all over our country, even in court rooms and school board meetings. Why? There is one ultimate reason – sin. Sin makes us stupid and we do stupid things like hurting others.

THE REALITY OF CONFLICT

It all started in the garden when sin entered the human race. Adam blamed Eve for giving him that forbidden fruit. Then their son Cain, with his wounded pride, rose up and killed his brother Abel. The record of physical and verbal conflict between brothers, spouses, nations, even in churches, will continue all the way up to the Great White Throne Judgment. The Bible is a record of human conflict, but praise God, He is the Master conflict resolver. Christ came to resolve the conflict between sinners and God, and also between God’s people. He is the Prince of Peace and through faith in Him we have peace with God, and as believers we’re to live in peace and harmony with fellow believers.

Regardless of any conflict you may have right now with someone else, your greatest conflict is with God. Sin destroyed the harmony between God and man. We are born sinners, inherited from Adam. “By one man sin entered into the world and death by sin and death spread to everyone” (Romans 5:12). Christ came to restore our relationship to God and removed the curse of sin by becoming sin for us on that cross. If you’re not trusting in Jesus Christ alone for forgiveness and eternal happiness, regardless of any conflict you have with other people, you are in conflict with God and that is the most damning conflict there is. But Christ welcomes repentant sinners with open arms. So, lay down your pride, your self-will, and turn from going your own way and come by faith to Christ who promised, “Come unto Me all who labor and are burdened down, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). You don’t want to die still in conflict with your Creator and Judge.

RESPONSIBILITY IN CONFLICT

Let’s go back to Philippians 4:2-3. Here we are sitting with the Philippian believers, waiting eagerly to hear one of our elders read Paul’s latest communication from Rome. As the elder reads through the first section, heads are nodding in approval, “Amen. Praise the Lord. That’s good.” Two ladies, Euodia and Syntyche, some call them Odious and Soontouchy, are sitting on opposite sides of the congregation and they too are nodding in agreement, maybe a muffled “Amen!” But as the reader gets to the later portion of the letter, suddenly heads snap up as they hear the names of those two ladies sitting right there, but in different sections of the room. Everyone knew they weren’t getting along. In fact, sides were being formed as their conflict grew. Paul knew this situation was sinful and was already doing damage to the love and unity of God’s people. Paul addressed both of them the same way, “I urge Euodia and I urge Syntyche.” When Paul had been there, they had served with him in the gospel ministry. But now their offended pride and bitterness hindered their work and needed to be resolved. Both women are responsible in the Lord to pursue peace with each other.

You can’t live long in this fallen, sinful world without conflict. Conflict means to strike against. Two sinners always have the potential to strike against each other. You can probably think right now of someone you’ve had a hard time with. Maybe even some squabbling happened this morning on the way to church. They either offended you or you offended them with lies, gossip, slander, snide comments, jealousies, you name it. James 4:1 says all our conflicts come from one source – our self-serving desires or cravings in our members or hearts. We’re not getting what we want and we’re not happy about it. The desire itself may be okay, but we want it too much and we’re willing to sin to try to get it. Or someone isn’t treating you the way you think you deserve and feel that anger surface, either a slow burn and clamming up or an explosive anger with flak flying.

As God’s people, we must learn how to resolve differences and conflict in a Christ honoring way. Scripture is full of counsel for resolving conflict. Here are several key passages that give God’s counsel on resolving any conflict you may have with someone else.

Matthew 5:9 says, “Blessed are the peacemakers.” Peacemakers are people who work hard at resolving conflict between people.
Matthew 5:23-24 says when you come to worship and then remember someone has something against you, go to them first and be reconciled, then come and praise the Lord together. Euodia and Syntyche could never have gotten up front to sing in the worship team harboring all that ill-will. Go and be reconciled.
Matthew 7:2-5 says you need to examine yourself and take the log of sin out of your own eye before you point out anyone else’s sin.
Matthew 18:15 says if someone else offends you, go and be reconciled. Whether you were offended or you are the offender, God says you need to make peace.
Romans 12:18 says as much as lies in you, live at peace with all men. Do whatever you can to live in a reconciled state. You can’t change others, but you can change.
Ephesians 4:1-3 says a worthy walk in humility and love works hard to maintain unity in the body of Christ. The fruit of love grows in the soil of humility, just as bitterness grows in the soil of wounded pride.
Ephesians 4:31-32 says we need to own our sinful bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, slander, and malice as sin and repent of them. All these reactions are typically against someone who sinned against you. Lou Priolo says bitterness is the result of responding improperly to a hurt or dwelling too long on a hurt. Another Bible teacher says we need to see our own sin first as the worst, and to be worked on the most. FIRST, WORST, AND MOST. We are very quick to justify our own poisonous bitterness. Lou calls it a stinkweed in our lives. Whatever the other person has done, remember this, “Sin #1 never excuses sin #2.” Verse 32 says, “Be kind, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God for Christ’s sake has forgiven you.” More on forgiveness later.
James 3-4 is full of insight on resolving conflicts. Tongues driven by the fires of hell, selfish ambition, and jealousy easily rule our hearts. We need godly wisdom that is pure, peaceable, gentle, easy to be entreated, with no hypocrisy. Then James 4 takes us deeper. We aren’t getting along with others because a war is raging in our hearts. We want our way but someone is getting in our way. Our way has become the idol of our heart and we’ve practically become God’s enemy. But God has grace for us as we submit to Him and drive the devil out. We humble ourselves before God as we confess our sins.

Scripture is full of this teaching because God knows us. He knows we’re sinners and are going to have a tough time living and working with others, even sometimes with those we love the most. Dave Harvey in his book When Sinners Say I Do says, “The cause of our marriage battles is neither our marriage nor our spouse. It’s the sin in our hearts – entirely, totally, exclusively, without exception.” And our sin is so apt to stick up its ugly head. That’s why the sooner we deal with it, the better. Ephesians 4:26-27 says don’t let the sun go down on your anger, wrath, bitterness. Don’t carry today’s conflict over into tomorrow. Jesus said in Matthew 6:34, “Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

GOD’S RESOURCES FOR RESOLVING CONFLICT

So how does Paul handle Euodia and Syntyche? He calls upon the church to help these ladies. He calls upon his “true companion” or yoke-fellow. Whoever he is, Paul had confidence in him. Then he calls on others in the church – Clement and other fellow workers. Paul is calling on the resources of the church to help these two ladies resolve their sinful differences. Praise God for godly people in the body of Christ who are committed to honoring Christ and will not just tell you what you want to hear but tell you the truth. This is the body of Christ in operation. We are to be like white blood cells gathering around anything harmful to the body to help the body be healthy and strong. I’m thankful for “white blood cells” in this body of believers who love me enough to fight for my health. The virus of conflict can do huge damage.

So, Paul says the church should help these ladies. Help is a beautiful word – sumlambano. It means to help lift a heavy load. In Luke 5:7, Peter calls on other fishermen to, “Come and help us haul in this heavy load of fish. Our nets are tearing.” Paul says help these ladies resolve the matter. It’s going to take some effort and may take time. Galatians 6:1-2 is the best passage on restoring a believer back into harmony with Christ and other believers.

Galatians 6:1-2, Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted. 2 Bear one another’s burdens and thereby fulfill the law of Christ.

Here’s someone stumbling and falling in the ditch, snagged by their sin. They need help. Who can help them? God gives us clear direction.

You who are spiritual are called to get involved. Not some elite professional or worldly counselor, but you who have the Spirit of God. If you’re living for Christ and the fruit of the Spirit is evident in your life and you’re not currently in the sin ditch yourself, you are qualified.
Restore is used in the Gospels of mending nets. Nets with holes are useless. These ladies have holes in their nets, power is leaking out, they aren’t glorifying Christ, and they need help to mend their lives from their sinful reactions.
Do this in a spirit of gentleness, like the doctor who gently presses to find the hot spot. Don’t berate or treat the stumbling person with arrogant superiority. Gentleness is needed when helping them mend their broken spirits.
Watch yourself lest you too be tempted. You must remove the log from your own eye before restoring someone else. You may need to first ask forgiveness for any sin you have against them. Plus, you can’t take sides with Euodia against Syntyche or the other way. Euodia may be your friend, but that cannot enter your efforts. You must always come down on God’s side in any effort to resolve conflict. The real issue is always honoring Christ.

GOD’S REASONS FOR RESOLVING CONFLICT

Paul’s first reason for resolving conflict here is in that phrase “in the Lord.” He used it in verse 1, stand firm “in the Lord.” You’ll see it up in verse 4, rejoice “in the Lord.” Biblical counselor Wayne Mack says, “The most critical factor for the prevention or resolution of family conflicts is your own relationship with Jesus Christ…. When it comes to conflict resolution there is nothing more important, more practical, and more helpful than a vital relationship with Jesus Christ.”

Remember who you are as believers in Christ and what your purpose is. You are both redeemed by the same blood of Christ, saved by the same gospel. You have the same heavenly Father who loves both of you. You are indwelt by the same Spirit, headed for the same heaven, and called into the same ministry. You should be humbly walking together in beautiful harmony, being like-minded, having the mind of Christ, just as we saw back in Philippians 2:3-5, “in humility of mind esteeming one another as more important than yourself.” Maybe the offense was really nasty, maybe it was picayune. Maybe these ladies were jealous of each other, competing for other people’s notice and praise. Remember even the disciples argued over who was the greatest. Even mature believers can slip into being glory hounds,.

A second reason for resolving conflict is because both of these ladies were chosen by God by pure grace alone – “Whose names are in the book of life!” Who would have thought of this as a reason to resolve conflict? But it is so precious! In eternity past God chose these ladies to be His, decreed them to be born and live in Philippi at this time in history. They’d been on God’s heart before God created the heavens and the earth. God planned to bring His Son to earth through the incarnation to bear the punishment for their sins. And then God brought Paul to Philippi to preach the gospel and God opened both of their hearts to believe in Christ. Now here they are, forgiven, given eternal life, adopted into God’s family, and yet they are at odds with one another.

These are two reasons every conflict between two or more believers in the body of Christ must be resolved in a biblical way. We’re in the Lord. Our names are in that book of life. By the way, your name isn’t written down when you come to Christ. No, you come to Christ because your name was written in that book of life before creation in eternity past.

It’s well known that George Whitefield and John Wesley had major disagreements over the doctrine of election. Heated letters went back and forth. The rift became well known. One day a man asked Mr. Whitefield, “Do you think we’ll see Wesley in heaven?” “No,” he replied, “I don’t think so.” The questioner was delighted thinking he had found a juicy piece of gossip. But Mr. Whitefield continued, “No, Mr. John Wesley will be so near the throne of God that such poor creatures as you and I will be so far away, we’ll hardly be able to see him.” Though the conflict was strong, before Whitefield died he expressed his love for both Charles Wesley and his brother John. And at Whitefield’s request, John Wesley preached his funeral sermon.

Now let’s ask Euodias and Syntyche several questions to help them deal with their differences. We should ask ourselves these questions when we find ourselves in their position.

What’s your goal in life? 2 Corinthians 5:9 says your goal is to please Christ, not to get your own way.
Where’s your heart? Philippians 2:3-5 says humility means you’re more concerned about the other person’s good than you are about your own. This requires God’s Spirit to work in your hearts. As long as you’re defending yourself and blaming the other person, you are not humbled and you don’t have the mind of Christ.
How are you wrong in this situation? Matthew7:3-5 says get the log out of your eye. Whose sin bothers you the most, yours or hers? Remember, your sin is the first, worst, and most.
Are you willing to forgive from your heart? Matthew 18 describes forgiveness as removing a debt, like that king removed the servant’s debt. When one person sins against another person, he comes into the other person’s debt. Say you are owed $1000. When someone asks forgiveness, will you remove that debt? Stand at the cross. See Christ bearing all your ugly sins, suffering the hell you owe for your debt to God. Christ looks at you and prays, “Father, forgiven her, forgive him. Don’t hold it against them. I’ve paid in full.” God says, “I forgive you and I’ll remember your sin no more” (Hebrews 8:12). That doesn’t mean God has a case of amnesia – He means He’ll never use your sins against you, forever.

Let’s listen as these two ladies reconcile their differences. “Listen, Euodia, I’ve been wrong here and here and here. Would you please forgive me?” “Well, Syntyche, I certainly do, and you need to know I’ve also been wrong here, here and here. Will you forgive me?” Simple, right? Only if the Spirit of God is at work in those hearts. We can so easily dig in our heels and defend ourselves and insist that we’re right, they’re wrong. How sad. Don’t walk away without being reconciled. Be forgiving.

As believers God has forgiven us and we as believers must always be ready to forgive. When our offender asks for forgiveness, we must readily extend forgiveness. Jesus said in Luke 17:4 that even if they offend you seven times in the same day, you must forgive! When you forgive someone, you cancel a debt and make a promise.

I will not use this offense against you again – you are canceling the debt.
I will not dwell on it myself – it’s gone.
I will not gossip to others about it – there’s nothing to talk about.
I won’t let this stand between us – there’s nothing there.
I’ll work at loving and serving that other person, even if they won’t let it go.

Not every conflict will be resolved this side of heaven, but as much as lies in you live at peace with all people and return good for evil and blessing instead.

I watched a YouTube recently of extreme skiing at Jackson Hole backcountry skiing. I can ski but nothing like that guy, plunging down slopes between huge rock cliffs and through narrow paths in forests, jumping off high cliffs. Dangerous stuff! Extreme! Our sin requires extreme forgiveness by God. We can’t comprehend how offensive our sin is before God, and yet He is willing to forgive us. We’re talking about extreme forgiveness. When I see how some people have been gouged, severely injured, offended, sinned against over long periods of time, could I forgive? If God forgave me of my hideous sins, I must forgive my offender.

There may be times when we need to practice extreme forgiveness, sending away a huge debt never to be mentioned again, but never to the extreme degree of debt we owe God. No one will ever offend you, regardless of the horrific nature of the offense, worse than we’ve offended God. We may be called to practice an extreme forgiveness humanly speaking, but usually our conflicts aren’t so huge. I’m guessing Euodia’s and Syntyche’s conflict wasn’t huge. They were just stuck and needed the church body’s encouragement to forgive. Are you ready to forgive? Is there someone you need to at least release the debt in your heart, send it away, pray for them, work to renew the relationship, tell them how much you appreciate them? May God help us to be doers of His Word, to work hard to let Christ’s mind be in us, to be in harmony with every other believer in the Lord, as much as it depends on us!