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A woodpecker has recently been drumming on our roof in the morning. Now why would a woodpecker drum on our roof at 6 AM? I asked Google. Three reasons: A warning to other birds – this is my home. Or to attract a mate. Or to find bugs. It’s that second reason I’m interested in this morning. How did you attract your wife? Not by drumming on her roof, but you put on your best you. You dressed for her, shaved for her (or not), brushed your teeth, treated her with great kindness and thoughtfulness, and spent time with her. You could talk for hours and wondered where the time went. She was pretty much the center of your world!
How about now? On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 is heaven, 1 is, well, you know, what’s the measure of your marriage today, after so many years? God is concerned about our marriages, men. About how we treat that lady with whom He favored. How are you doing as the lover, learner, leader and listener of your wife? If our goal in life is to please God, then a great part of that is to be all we can be in our marriages for His glory. Men, here is God’s word for us and our marriages in Colossians:
MEN, GOD CALLS YOU TO LOVE YOUR WIVES
Colossians 3:19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them.
Every husband here needs God’s grace to be the kind of husband God calls us to be. I’m guessing we’ve all blown it at times and need improvement, no matter how long we’ve been married. Men, we can do better. We fail, sin, react, and have to ask forgiveness. We get irritated, selfish, moody, say things thoughtlessly that should be left unsaid. Thank God for His forgiving and restoring grace. It isn’t so much where we are but which direction are we headed. And we want to finish well all the way to the end of our married days.
Several years ago God brought Ted and Janice Morgan to our church. Ted was a great example of a caring, loving husband. He met Janice at a Christmas caroling party in 1954. Ted said, “It was there that I met the most beautiful girl I had ever seen.” They were married 16 months later. Janice became a Registered Nurse and took a position at I. U. Health Center. Ted became a pastor in rural Indiana. As they aged together Janice’s health declined and eventually she was diagnosed with Lewy Body dementia, much like Alzheimer’s. They moved to Evansville for medical reasons and found our church. Janice could still come to church at first. They were both gracious people.
But Janice’s health got worse. One Monday morning in 2013 she fell and Ted wasn’t able to get her up. He called an ambulance. In Ted’s words: “I stood in the street as I watched the ambulance take the love of my life to the hospital and I knew she would never come home again.” She finally ended in a nursing home nearby. Ted visited her every day. Every day he brought her a peppermint chocolate candy bar, her favorite. When he’d leave he’d say, “It’s time for me to go home, Janice. I love you and I’ll be back tomorrow.” A few days after their 60th anniversary Ted got the call. Janice was buried in a cemetery near Terre Haute, awaiting the Great Resurrection Day. Ted is a godly gentleman who dearly loved his wife to the end.
I tell that story as a testimony to true, Christ-like love between a husband and a wife. When you vowed for better or for worse, that means when sickness or disease comes, true godly love doesn’t call it quits. Colossians 3:19 is a present active command: “Husbands, keep on loving your wives.” Period. Not love her if she…, or when she…, or while she…. No, love your wives. This is not a feeling kind of love. This is agape love, used of Christ’s sacrificial love for His people. It’s a husband’s responsibility to love her sacrificially, meeting her needs, caring for her from day one to the end of your marriage.
“But you don’t know my wife. She is a whiner, a complainer, a critic, a spender, a control-freak, she is constantly on my back about stuff, she argues with me every time I open my mouth. She hates my parents. Nobody could love this woman.” Husbands, love your wives. Did you know the Bible never explicitly tells wives to love their husbands with this agape love? Titus says they should love their husbands with a phileo, a warm, emotional kind of love (Titus 2:4). But husbands are to love with that Christ-like agape love, a selfless, giving love regardless of the response of their wives.
Now we need a commitment from the wives this morning: that you won’t raise your expectations for how your husband treats you in view of this message. If you expect nothing, you’ll appreciate any efforts he makes to please you. And no preaching at your husband (1 Peter 3:1). Let God do the preaching. A subtle elbow nudge may be ok.
Men, we need all the help we can get. I commend a book by Lou Priolo, The Complete Husband, for helping you grow as a loving husband. One of my favorite books on marriage is by Dave Harvey, When Sinners Say I Do. Now, we’re going to two passages that present God’s will for every Christian husband. We’ll wrap it up with something about why husbands are so prone to bitterness.
THE MEASURE OF A HUSBAND’S LOVE
Ephesians 5:25-30 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. 28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, 30 because we are members of His body.
Measure #1 – Love your wife like Christ loved the church. What does that mean? Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her. You’ve heard it before, but this means sacrificial love. Christ laid down His life for His bride, the church. He loved her by giving, sacrificing, meeting her need, doing everything necessary to bring her to Himself as a holy and blameless people.
I love the picture Dave Harvey gives about a Christian wedding. “When a man and woman are joined in marriage, a new and lifelong model of the relationship between Christ and his church is launched.” Ted’s lifelong loving commitment to Janice illustrates this truth. This kind of loving is giving, self-denying, serving, meeting needs, thoughtful, taking initiative, leading.
Measure #2 – Love your wife like you love yourself. Notice in verses 28-29, “So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it.” Do you love yourself? Do you nourish and cherish yourself? Care about your wife with that same intensity as if she was your body. She is through marriage: you became one flesh. Nourishing means making sure you’re well fed, provided for- plenty of mussels, blue cheese crumbs, wasabi almonds. You make sure your wife has what she needs, what she likes. You are her provider.
Cherish has the idea of keeping warm, making sure she is comfortable and well-protected. Cherish her like you cherish your own body, and believe me, we do cherish our own bodies. I don’t like pain. One day I was cutting wood with a circular saw. I used a nail to prop open the blade guard. I’m sawing away and by habit reach back to lift up the guard, which wasn’t there. Blade tears into finger. Ouch! Blood! Did I cherish myself? Into the house, kitchen sink, cold water, towels, looking for some pity here! Cherish your wife, help her, protect her, keep her warm.
All right, let’s go over to my favorite husband verse in the Bible, 1 Peter 3:7. In every wedding I conduct I search out the husband ahead of time and ask him to recite 1 Peter 3:7 or everything stops right there! I asked one young man to recite it right in the ceremony. “If you want this wedding to continue, you’ll need to recite 1 Peter 3:7 from memory.” He dutifully recited it, word perfect!
THE PRACTICE OF A HUSBAND’S LOVE
1 Peter 3:7 You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.
“In the same way” goes back to the end of chapter 2, where Peter talks about Jesus enduring mocking and slander to bear the sins of His people. Again, self-denying, giving, sacrificial love. Then Peter adds these great applications of what it means to love your wife that way.
First, live with her. Spend time with her. She likes you to be near her, in the same house. When you were dating you couldn’t stay apart. During a snow storm in our area when I was dating Carolyn, there wasn’t anything to do at my house and I kept thinking how much I’d like to be with Carolyn, so I got into my car and began the 15 mile journey toward her house through the snow. About a mile or so from her house I came to a large drift across the road. What did I do? Turn around and go home? Are you kidding? I left the car there and walked through the snow and hail and tornadoes and earthquakes to spend time with her. God says live with her! I’ve never heard a wife complain about her husband wanting to spend too much time with her.
Second, understand her. I know, I know. Don’t even say it. Remember, a woman’s prerogative is to change her mind. Women are different from men. Have you noticed? With men, what you see is pretty much what you get. But there’s something mysterious about the ladies. So when you married her, God put you in the life-long school of learning your wife’s likes and dislikes, fears, hopes, concerns, how much she can handle, when you need to relieve her of child-care. Some guys come home from work to their wives and six children assuming the wife’s been loafing all day.
Third, protect her. She’s a weaker vessel. That may mean she’s like fine china, to be handled delicately, and that’s true. But she’s also weaker than you are. She has about 70% the muscle content you have. You could easily take her in arm wrestling. So you need to help her with chores, vacuuming sometimes. One guy got convicted that he’d never helped his wife vacuum so he came to her and said, “I’m sorry for leaving the vacuuming all to you. From now on, I’m going to do half the vacuuming.” His wife was very keen, like most wives are, “Wonderful! I vacuumed for the first ten years of our marriage. You can vacuum the next ten years.”
Fourth, honor her. Treat her like a lady. She’s your equal before God, a fellow heir of the grace of life. She’s not your servant. Actually, you’re her servant, a servant leader. When you dated, you treated her with honor. That’s one reason she liked you. You made her feel like a lady. You esteemed her. She felt valued by you. So guys, let’s get cracking on honoring her – opening doors, telling her how pretty she is, appreciating her efforts to please you. Kent Hughes tells about a wife who had a tumor removed that also snipped a nerve to her face, leaving her mouth obviously twisted. “Will it always be like this?” she asked. “Yes.” Her husband standing there said, “I think it’s cute.” Then he twisted his own lips and planted a kiss on her twisted lips, showing her their kiss still works. He honored her.
Fifth, pray for her. Peter ends this rich portion about prayers not being hindered or “cut off,” like snipping communication wires. That means two things. If you aren’t treating your wife like the child of God she is, don’t think God’s listening to your prayers. But also, do you pray for her? And with her? Pray for her!
THE CORROSION OF A HUSBAND’S LOVE
Colossians 3:19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them.
Dave Harvey says, “The cause of our marriage battles…is neither our marriage nor our spouse. It’s the sin in our heart—entirely, totally, exclusively, without exception.” Bitterness is the corrosion of love in our hearts, like batteries I found recently in a tool that laid in our garage for several years, all corroded and useless. 1 Corinthians 13:5 says love does not take into account a wrong suffered. Bitterness is holding a grudge for something your wife did, said, or didn’t do or say, that angered or irritated you. Instead of returning good for evil and pouring out large portions of mercy, you take it personally. You get defensive and decide to punish her with the silent treatment or worse. If we were honest, we probably were hurt because of our wounded pride. We expected her to be better than this. Instead of blessing her and serving her, you expected her to serve you.
How do you deal with your self-centered, corrosive bitterness? Ephesians 4:31-32 says you need to replace bitterness with kindness, compassion, and forgiveness.
Ephesians 4:31-32 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.
God has forgiven you, doesn’t hold your sins against you, and in the same way, forgive as God for Christ’s sake has forgiven you. When you find yourself growing that poisonous weed of bitterness, bring it to the cross and confess it for the ugly sin it is. And don’t wait for your wife to confess her sin. As one biblical counselor has said, you need to see your own sin first, as worse than hers, and you need to work on your sin the most. God allows no excuses for bitterness in the heart of a husband.
SO WHAT?
Husbands, love your wife like Christ loves the church – sacrificially, laying down your life for your wife, giving up yourself to meet her needs. Remember Ted Morgan, visiting Janice every day, bringing her a peppermint chocolate candy bar. He loved her.
Husbands, love your wife like you love your own body – nourishing and cherishing her.
Husbands, live with your wife in an understanding way, being tender with her and highly esteeming her, granting her honor and treating her like the lady she is.
And husbands, refuse to let that selfishness in your own heart corrode into bitterness against that lovely lady God brought into your life, whether five years ago or sixty years ago. Be rich with mercy and forgiveness.
Maybe you are here as an unbeliever. You’ve never honestly confessed your sin and bowed your heart to Christ. The greatest act of love ever displayed was when Jesus determined to lay down His life on that cross, bear the sins of many, and then rise from the dead to give eternal life to all who call upon Him. Have you trusted in Christ alone for your salvation?