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Marriage between a man and a woman is a beautiful, God-honoring institution. A man’s house is his castle and with a good wife he is a blessed man indeed. That person to whom you vowed, “Till death do us part” has now become the most important person on the planet. That doesn’t mean marriage is always a cakewalk. There are many trials and troubles to hack away at the joy and sweetness of your relationship. Good marriages require lots of humility and patience and mercy and forgiveness, as we saw earlier in Colossians 3. Too many marriages turn sour over time, like milk left on the counter too long. On the other hand, the supremacy and sufficiency of Christ is clearly seen in married couples who are committed to glorifying God and bringing joy to their spouse.
The two God-given responsibilities in marriage are for a husband to love his wife like Christ loves the church, and for the wife to submit to her husband as the church submits to Christ. We’re looking at the wife’s responsibility this morning, and the husband’s next week.
CHRIST-HONORING SUBMISSION
Colossians 3:18 Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
So let’s look at this responsibility of the wife to submit to her husband. For many, submission in marriage is a horrible idea. Submit to a man? Not on your life. I recall a wedding rehearsal a few years ago. As we were going over the vows and the bride-to-be recited, “I promise to obey you,” one of her relatives murmured something about, “I can’t believe she’s going to say that!” Some say Paul was a male chauvinist and wanted to keep women in bondage. Actually, just the opposite is true. Martyn Lloyd-Jones said, “There is no man who speaks more delicately or more gloriously about womanhood, and of the true glory of womanhood than the Apostle Paul.” And we can add, nothing elevated the status of women over the centuries more than Christianity. God honors women and so should we.
For some with bad marital experiences, this teaching can be difficult, like hitting a nerve with an old-fashioned slow drill dentists used to use. There are some mean-spirited, thoughtless men who have abused the authority God has given them. You will notice that the Bible never tells a husband to make his wife submit. Never. That isn’t our business, men. Our responsibility is to be so loving and thoughtful and kind that her submission will be totally free and joyfully willing. Men, do you make it easy for your wife to practice biblical submission?
Notice, the command is to submit to your husband, not to your boyfriend. Until you’re married, you are under the authority of your parents. It’s a present tense imperative, which means it’s continuous and not optional. And the command is not arbitrary. “As is fitting in the Lord” means you submit to your husband as a key part of your walk with Christ. Your goal is to please Christ and when you submit to your husband, you are really submitting to Christ, to His command.
So what is submission? It’s kind of like air, a fact of life you just can’t live without. Submission means yielding to an authority to accomplish a goal or purpose. Every Monday morning millions of employees dutifully go to their work stations submitting to their employer or foreman. Every successful football team knows the importance of submitting to the called play to score a touchdown and win the game. You submit when those red and blue lights flash on behind you. “Yes sir, no sir, right here sir, thank you sir.” The moon submits to the gravitational pull of the earth, the earth to the sun, the sun to something, and everything is submitted to God!
Greatest of all, Christ Himself submitted to the Father as He humbled Himself and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross. He was equal in essence with the Father, but submitted Himself to accomplish the Father’s will. In fact, everyone in some way submits to someone else. Submission is one of the fundamental principles of God’s universe. The point is, submission is not just for wives. Everyone and everything submits in one way or another.
What is the opposite of submission? Resistance. Rebellion. Chaos. Grabbing the steering wheel and yanking on it. Refusing to march in order with the rest of the troops. It is taking matters into your own hands.
So God says to the married ladies in Colossae and right here in Evansville Bible Church, a major part of doing all things in the name of the Lord Jesus is to willingly, joyfully, place yourself under the leadership, the headship of your husband because this is fitting or appropriate in the Lord. A loving, gentle, serving husband and a sweet, supportive, submitting wife are a beautiful testimony to Christ and bring true heart joy to that man and woman. But remember, we live in a fallen world so there will be times when it won’t be easy to submit to that demanding, ice-cube rattling, “More tea, Martha!” character. He may even become abusive. That’s when it’s time to call on the elders and get help.
SUBMISSION DOES NOT MEAN…
Before we get some clear direction on what a wife’s submission looks like, let’s clarify what submission doesn’t mean. It certainly doesn’t mean a wife is less valuable or less important in the marriage. It doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything your husband says. He may say some ridiculous stuff. It doesn’t mean never challenging his decisions, although you should explain your view gently, sweetly, never with an “I told you so” attitude. It doesn’t mean you should never try to change his mind. God knew he needed your perspective on the situation. But be careful. You’ve all heard of bossy wives. We all know there aren’t any here. But submission doesn’t mean you can’t let him make a mistake. This is where it gets difficult. You may be much smarter than your husband. We had friends in seminary in which the wife was obviously smarter than her husband. And she handled that so well. She never embarrassed him or contradicted him. One last thing. Submission certainly doesn’t mean you should sin to please your husband. Peter’s conviction, “We must obey God rather than man” applies right there. Christ’s will must always come before your husband’s will.
SUBMISSION IN PRACTICE…
So what does submission look like? Let’s go to three key passages in the New Testament.
RESPECT The first passage is Ephesians 5:25-32, which says a wife is to submit to her husband like the church submits to Christ. The church obeys the will of her Lord, right? And Paul ends that passage with another important part of submission: respect.
Ephesians 5:24,33 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands… However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. (ESV)
A RESPECTFUL, GENTLE, QUIET SPIRIT Let’s go over to 1 Peter 3:1-4 for three descriptions of a submissive spirit.
1 Peter 3:1-4 In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, 2 as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. 3 Your adornment must not be merely external–braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; 4 but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.
What if your husband isn’t all he ought to be? Should you take the reins, grab the wheel, and become the final authority? Should your goal in life be to change your husband? “Wait till I get my hands on that hunk of a guy. I’ll civilize him.” No, that’s God’s business. Your business is to respect him, not because he’s perfect, but because he is your husband. He may not be very respectable, but submission means you give him respect as to the Lord. That will affect how you talk to him, how you respond to him, and how you disagree with him. Respect will lead you to tell him you appreciate him.
What about a gentle spirit? There will be times when you’ll be tempted to snap back at him. That’s when you need the fruit of the spirit called “gentleness.” A gentle wife sees the Lord in the trials and difficulties that come to each couple. You refuse to let his actions or words embitter you.
A quiet spirit refuses to lash out in anger or harp on something over and over. A quiet spirit learns to live with a fallible husband with mercy, since you too are sinful. Quiet means you trust God who is over your husband. Notice how Peter describes this gentle and quiet spirit. They are precious in the sight of the Lord. And let me tell you, this lady’s husband will also hold her precious in his sight!
HONORING GOD’S WORD
Titus 2:5 to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.(ESV)
This is a message to younger ladies. “Reviled” is the word “blaspheme.” A woman who professes faith in Christ and berates or embarrasses her husband publicly will bring reproach to the gospel. “And you claim to be a Christian?”
Just a word to the single young ladies. Christ is supreme over your singleness. And you should take what God says here very seriously. Before you jump into marriage with that totally cool fellow, consider more than what he says and how he looks. If you can’t respect his decisions before marriage, you will have a harder time after marriage. Watch how he handles opposition and criticism and other authorities in his life. If he’s hot-tempered, close the door on that relationship as soon as possible. We know a father who gently persuaded his daughter to stop dating an angry man. No one cares for you more than your parents.
On the other hand, how important for a young man to become aware of the character of that gorgeous young lady. She may be the quintessence of feminine pulchritude. Google it. The pre-marriage relationship is a time to discover what’s behind that lovely face, those 20 or so years of habits.
THE INFLUENCE OF A SUBMISSIVE WIFE
Let’s go back to the Proverbs for more wisdom about how influential a wife is on her husband. Proverbs deals with life in the trenches. There are two proverbs that say it’s better to live in the corner of a roof than with a contentious wife. A third verse says it’s better to live in the desert than with a contentious and vexing woman. What’s a vexing wife? One who is annoying, fretful. Let’s look at three short positive passages in Proverbs to bring our study to a close.
THE CROWN OF HER HUSBAND
Proverbs 12:4 An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who shames him is like rottenness in his bones.
What is a crown? Something that makes a man feel like a king. When his wife is supportive and cheering him on. When she tells him how blessed she is to have him as her husband. When she assures him of her love. When she commends him for the little things he does. She doesn’t make him ache in his bones and regret that he married her.
GOD’S GIFT TO HER HUSBAND
Proverbs 18:22 He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the LORD.
I hope every husband sitting here this morning can breathe a prayer of thanks to God for that wonderful blessing of a wife to spend the days of this life with. You need her perspective and warnings. She often sees things you don’t. We were driving along at 70 MPH on the Pennsylvania turnpike at dusk. I was driving but was momentarily distracted. Suddenly Carolyn yelled, “Deer!” It was standing sideways in front of us right in line with the passenger seat. In a split second I yanked the wheel to the left. Bam! We hit the deer, but not head on. Carolyn may have saved her own life. Thank you Lord! Your wife is God’s gift to you. Take good care of her.
DOES HER HUSBAND GOOD
Finally, let’s check out one of the best biblical descriptions of a godly wife.
Proverbs 31:10-12 An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. 11 The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. 12 She does him good and not evil all the days of her life.
This is such a cool set of verses and I hope they totally motivate every wife and young lady here. Every wife should memorize and make this a regular prayer. Who wants to be a worthless wife? A wife who brings her husband great grief and trouble? Yet notice, she is a rarity! Isn’t that God’s point here? A man might have two or three million dollars to his name, but if he has an excellent wife, she is incomparable in worth. Notice three quick things about this lovely lady.
1. She is totally trustworthy. There’s not a question of disloyalty or being unfaithful.
2. She is completely content. She’s not complaining about what she doesn’t have.
3. She does him good. When he is down she lifts him up. When he is troubled, she is a soothing ointment. When he is falsely accused or slandered she assures him. When he is going the wrong way, she gently encourages him to go the right way. “Fred, I know you are an excellent driver and usually have everything under control, but could it be possible we should have turned off at that last exit?”
She does him good! I have to tell you this story. I don’t know where I got it. When Corey got ready for work one Friday morning, he told his wife he was going to ask his boss for a raise that day. He was nervous all day as he thought about the coming showdown. What if Mr. Jones refused his request? The thought of walking into the boss’s office left him weak in the knees, but he mustered up the courage toward the end of the day and approached his boss. To Corey’s great delight, Mr. Jones agreed to give him the raise.
Corey nearly broke all the speed limits going home that evening. As he entered their apartment, he was met with a beautiful table set with their best china, and candles lit. His wife, Tina, had prepared an exquisite meal including his favorite dishes. He figured someone from the office tipped her off! Next to his plate he found a beautifully lettered note from his wife. “Congratulations, my love! I knew you’d get the raise! I prepared this dinner to show just how much I love you. I am so proud of your accomplishments!” As he read it he thought about how precious and honoring his wife was.
After dinner when Corey headed to the kitchen to get dessert, he noticed a second card had slipped out of Tina’s pocket on to the hallway floor. He picked it up and read, “Don’t worry about not getting the raise! You are a wonderful provider and I prepared this dinner to show you just how much I love you.”
I thought about Pastor James Coates wife, Erin, as I worked on this message. What a blessing she is as she speaks on his behalf while he is in jail in Alberta. I thought about Ann Judson, wife of Adoniram Judson, as they went as missionaries to Burma in the early 1800s. He was arrested as a British spy and thrown into a vermin-ridden death camp for seventeen months. Ann moved into a shack near the jail, brought him a Bible and food and visited him daily, at risk of being arrested herself. She spent her days nursing a newborn baby and petitioning authorities for the release of her husband. They say Adoniram survived only through his wife’s indomitable courage. She did him good and not evil all the days of her life. Ann actually died about two years after Judson’s imprisonment.
Submitting means showing respect, being gentle, quiet, doing him good all the days of your life. This woman is the joy of her husband’s heart and precious in the eyes of God. Ladies, you can get your tummy tucked and cosmetic surgery and use facial creams and ointments and mud and cucumbers and whatever else women do to fix things up, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised. And her husband praises her, “Many daughters have done nobly, but you excel them all.” (Proverbs 31:28-30).